Adventures in Pre-Fatherhood, Part II

My Baby Momma, or, “Pardon me while I vomit on your shoes.”

To prepare myself for the next nine months, I’ve been doing a little reading about pregnancy and what to expect when we’re expecting by reading the aptly titled What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Along with that great resource, I’ve also been pouring over the equally informative Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home by Dave Barry. Based on my reading of these two books as well as my week of first-hand experience I now feel qualified to use my blog as a tool teach others about the joys and trials of growing a baby. (Hint: It doesn’t involve a cabbage patch at all.)

The nine months of pregnancy is divided up into three units called “trimesters,” which is Latin for “three mesters.” The first trimester, the place where Alanna is right now, is a lot of fun. And when I say “fun,” I mean, “not fun.” During this phase of Operation Baby, the woman’s body basically goes crazy for a while. You’ve got hormones that have no business being in a human body in the first place suddenly taking over. When these hormones kick in, they usually bring with them a whole bunch of fatigue, soreness, nausea, vomiting, mood swings, and the desire to mix pickles and ice cream.

I can joke about these things because as a guy, I’m not the one going through them. For my wife, however, this is no laughing matter. In fact, she’s probably going to hit me when she reads this. The reason for this is that during this stage of pregnancy, the baby gets its nourishment by consuming the mother’s sense of humor. For instance, I really enjoy making comments to Alanna that I am now her “Baby Daddy,” but usually she just rolls her eyes while I’m laughing at my own joke. Thankfully, after the first trimester, everything should stabilize and she will once again be able to appreciate my wittiness (assuming she ever appreciated it in the first place… I think she actually married me despite my sense of humor.)

Based on my research, it’s important to note that at this stage, our baby has a tail. It will shrink and go away over the next month, but at this moment, we have a little tadpole. Plus, it looks like there is an alien growing inside of my wife. Watch the skies… and the womb!
So anyway, in case you’re wondering (or wandering), Alanna is cool with me making smart alec comments about her pregnancy and discussing her nausea in front of the whole world via the internet. She will undoubtedly hit me, but she would probably do that anyway. (Remember, mood swings are part of the joys of pregnancy!) Stay tuned for more educational moments, most of which is at least somewhat true.