Confession: Moving Toward Authenticity

I’m feeling very convicted about what a fake I am a lot of the time. I want to be an authentic person. I believe the church needs more authentic people. By that, I don’t mean people who genuinely change who they are to match their talk, but people who are simply honest about who they are. I believe God made me exactly the way he wants me to be, and to be dishonest about who I am is just another way of saying that I know how to do things better than God. So from here on, I’m shooting to be real and I think the first step of that process is to get a lot of the fake crap out in the open.

Most of the time, I act like I am absolutely the most important person who ever lived. I think I’m cooler than everyone else and that my ideas are better than anyone elses. Deep down I’m pretty insecure and I don’t believe any of this, but you wouldn’t know it from the amount of time and energy I spend making myself happy.

I’m not a Republican, and I don’t believe they are any more on God’s side than the Democrats. I’m not a Democrat either, but a lot of times I lean more to the left than the right. Jesus wasn’t a political figure, and I doubt he approve of everything either party does. I think a lot of things that politicians do “in the name of God” are really motivated by other agendas and add to the reasons why the world hates Christians.

I’m more comfortable hanging around a group of artists and pot smoking hippies than I am around some of the people in the church. Even though I grew up in the church and love it on one level, I feel out of place a lot of times. People in the church have hurt me very deeply. A lot of times when I’m in church, I become really fake, putting on a cheesy smile saying things like “God bless you” and other Christian slogans while I shake hands. I don’t even know what I mean when I say those things. Honestly, I don’t hold a grudge against the church, I just realize I’m different than a lot the other people there and don’t feel like I fit in very well.

I struggle with lust. A lot.

I dress the way I do because I think that makes me look cool. I wear a cross around my neck as more of a fashion statement and a way to make people think I’m spiritual. Overall, I’m very concerned with my image, how I look, how I talk, how I walk. I’m very afraid people will stop thinking I’m cool.

I don’t share my faith outside of the church very often. The way I’ve been taught to share my faith makes me feel like I’m pushing Jesus like a vacuum cleaner salesman. Also, I’m afraid that if I tell people what I believe about Jesus they’ll think I’m stupid.

When I get angry, I tend to say cusswords.

I have doubts at times, not about whether or not I believe what the Bible says, but more about whether or not I can really do anything about it. I feel totally unqualified to be a leader. I think a lot of Christian leaders should quit pretending to be Moses and just admit that they helped build the cow statue.

As a Christian, I’m supposed to be known by my love for others, but there are a lot of times when I don’t feel very loving and don’t act that way. I want to be loved, but loving others is hard.

I’m always afraid that the people are going to figure out how phony I am. I’m afraid to be real with most Christians because experience tells me I will either be lectured or rejected. I feel like I have to be godly in order to be accepted.

This is by no means everything I want to say. I feel like this could be a good first step though. By being true, I hope that I will allow people to get to know the real me and that they will still love me for who I really am. I don’t feel like God wants to use fakes. I may not have everything together, but I do know I want to be the kind of man that God can really use.

Random Update

Originally posted on my long dead Xanga page.

Gee golly, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted. (That’s what all the cool kids are saying these days – gee golly… when you’re a youth minister it’s easy to stay hip.) So much has happened that I’ve had very little time to document it because I’ve been too busy living it. To save time and clear out all the cobwebs, I’ll just give it to you in brief factiods before I start my major rambling.

1) I’ve officially graduated! I got my diploma in the mail a few weeks ago and now it hanging up in my office at church. Speaking of my office…

2) My officially title at church is now Youth and Children’s Ministry Coordinator. That means that I am working more at church and having to spend less time in another job. It also means I get to play a lot of silly games with small children. Finally, I’m working with people I can relate to! As far as who I’m working with…

3) LifeWay no longer has its shackles on me! To quote Mary Mary, “Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance!” And I literally did dance around the room when I found out this job was going to work out at church because I knew it meant I could give my two weeks notice. (I was at home at the time… I actually was so involved that I ran right into the door frame of the computer room. It’s hard to stop me when I’m gettin’ my groove on.) Don’t let The Man bring you down! But with every good thing there must come complications, such as…

4) My pastor resigned the day I was announced as Children’s Dude. (That’s how I see myself.) No, I didn’t run him off. ( I don’t think… then again, one week before I put in my notice, my manager at LifeWay resigned too… hmmm…) He’s going to a church in Dickson. I think that all the difficulties at my church – lack of commitment, laziness, inconsistancy, etc. – just got to be too much. That makes me the senior staff member now. Oy vey! (That’s what all the hip Orthodox Jews are saying these days – oy vey.) Actually I think it’s going to be for the best. We’ll just go from scratch with a fresh start. Additionally…

5) I am now a substitute teacher for the Knox and Anderson County school systems. I gots to pay the bill somehow, so I figured at least this way I’m still playing with kids most of the time… or hiding from them under the desk. Anything else? How could I forget…

6) Right now, my current obsession is Mel Gibson’s new movie The Passion of the Christ. I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited about the release of a movie as I am about this one. It opens in just a little over a week on Ash Wednesday, February 25. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have to teach the youth on Wednesdays, I’d be at the theatre that night. The movie’s getting great reviews from advance audiences (at least the Christian ones) and stirring up controversy everywhere else. Be sure and check out the website (www.thepassionofthechrist.com) if you want to find out more. I just can’t wait to see what kind of impact this movie is going to make. I’ll be sure and post after I see it too.

Anyway, I guess we’re all up to date now in the world of Jody. I really need to work on making my site less ugly now that I’m not using the free Xanga premium. Right now though, I have a very sleep pug in my lap that I need to put to bed.