Greetings common people! I am Mr. Answer Man! Please, stop applauding; it embarrasses me… Okay, don’t stop. A rather disturbing fact has recently been brought to my attention during my meetings at Janitors Anonymous. (I myself am not a janitor. I like to go to discuss my personal struggle to grow sideburns.) More and more papers that are wadded up and thrown into the floors of high school classes have failing grades on them. I first attributed this to stupidity, but after further thought, I determined that students simply do not a proper place to reference their scholastic questions.
That is the purpose of this column, to send the message to our younger generations that they are not alone in the quest for the perfect scholastic year. (Nor the perfect party. Mail me suggestions.) A extensive study performed by the same scientists who cloned Dolly the sheep and taught Pauly Shore how to speak reveals that careful attention and application of all that is presented within can give a person an unquestionable grasp of all things intelligent. When you have a question that has troubled your mind for countless hours, just address me and I will answer it so simply that you will feel my intelligence radiating though the newsprint. Ask away, minions!
Q: When did civilization first appear on Earth?
A: There are many differing opinions as to when man first achieved a level of living that could adequately be described as “civilized.” In my right opinion, I believe that true civilization did not begin until the year of my birth, 1981.
Q: Okay, so, like, there’s this girl in my Algebra class who’s, like, really cool and stuff, and I’m thinking about asking her to go see a movie or something. But she’s, like, really smart so I’m like, “What should I do?” And my friends are like, “Whatever!” So I’m like, “For real?” And they’re like, “Totally!” So my question is, do girls like that like smarter guys and stuff, and how do I get smarter?
A: This is obviously a desperate case. What you need, my boy, is a crash course in how to think. If gorillas can be taught sign language then surely you cannot be too much more difficult. Under my watchful eye, I can take you from a slobbering gutter cretin to a Mensa member to end all Mensa memberships. I could do this, but frankly, I just do not care enough about you or your pathetic love life. She probably would prefer that you had a brain in your head, but unfortunately for you, there are guys like me out there to steal all the thinking girls away.
Q: You’re rather conceited, aren’t you?
A: One of my intelligence and station need not turn to conceit, as conceit is thinking too highly of oneself. Since no one can think too highly of me, then it would not me considered conceit. Besides, you dress funny…
*Ahem* Hey guys, this is Jody interrupting here for a second. Mr. Answer Man is not exactly working out so well so I have decided not to let him work with this column anymore. You can never tell what a little attention will do to a person in the spotlight. I know there are still a few questions out there so I’ve searched high and low for a replacement, and, lo and behold, I found one where I least thought to look… hiding in my refrigerator. Here he is folks, Mr. Randomly Generated Thought Man.
Q: Why aren’t there anymore dinosaurs?
A: Dinosaurs and their disappearance are one of life’s great mysteries. Let’s go ride our bikes!
Q: Okay, so, like, I still don’t know what do to about that girl in my Algebra class. That last guy was a loser. So, like, what’s up with that deal about the chicks liking smarter guys?
A: Girls and their disappearance are one of life’s great mysteries. But let us not dwell on these matters. Louis Armstrong played the trumpet, and Frank Sinatra was Old Blue Eyes. I miss the refrigerator.
Jody again. No more question and answer times in this column. I am truly sorry about all this mess. I guess that there are some things man was never meant to understand, namely calculus, dinosaurs, and females.